Recently, a friend gifted me All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks. For those unfamiliar, bell hooks is the pseudonym of the esteemed scholar, author, and activist Gloria Jean Watkins (1952-2021), whose work often addressed the intersections of race, gender, and class. Published in 2000, All About Love is a non-fiction book that deconstructs modern understandings of love while dispelling misconceptions about what love is — and what it is not.
Defining Love Through Spiritual Growth
Drawing on the ideas of M. Scott Peck and Erich Fromm, hooks begins by defining love as “the will to extend one’s self to nurture one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” It’s important to note that Hooks uses “spiritual” not as a stand-in for religion but to represent an animated part of the self — a life force or soul. When we nurture this spirit, we move closer to self-actualization. In this sense, spiritual growth is a holistic connection of mind, body, and spirit.
Love as Action, Not Feeling
One of the core ideas Hooks emphasizes is that “love is as love does.” In this view, love is a choice and an action rather than merely a feeling. If love is an action, it requires intention, will, and choice. When we choose to love, we consciously nurture growth, moving away from the conventional idea that love is instinctual or purely emotional.
When love is seen as an action, it is expressed through care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, and open communication. As a result, accountability and responsibility are naturally built into the framework of love.
The Concept of Cathexis
Hooks introduces the term “cathexis,” referring to the mental process of investing in someone emotionally. When we feel drawn to a person, we may cathect—invest feelings or emotions into them—but this is not the same as loving them. This distinction is crucial for understanding why we may find ourselves in toxic or unhealthy relationships. Those who hurt or neglect us may have cathected us but, by Hooks’ definition, cannot love us if they are not nurturing our growth.
The idea that love is an action, not an uncontrollable feeling, challenges us to recognize that while we can’t always control emotions, we can choose our actions.
Rethinking Love: Moving Beyond Instinct
We often don’t stop asking, “What is love?” We assume we know what it is because we are taught from an early age that we feel it instinctively — with family, friends, or romantic partners. But have we truly experienced love within Hooks’ framework of love as love does?
Consider the common phrase, “I don’t like them, but I love them.” Is this possible under Hooks’ definition? Can we truly love someone without nourishing their spiritual growth, and vice versa? This doesn’t necessarily mean those outside this nurturing space are bad people or negative influences. As Hooks suggests, labeling a relationship as dysfunctional can be “a useful description and not an absolute negative judgment.”
The Impact of Love as a Mystical Experience
Hooks critiques society’s tendency to treat love as a mystical and indefinable experience. This can allow people to avoid accountability by claiming they have no control over who or how they love. By contrast, Hooks’ view of love as an intentional act shifts responsibility back onto individuals.
She argues that love is the result of conscious actions, and cultivating meaningful, trusting relationships requires work.
What is Love to You?
With Hooks’ perspective in mind, it’s worth reflecting: What does love mean to you? Do you see love as purely an emotion, or do you recognize it as a set of actions that require will and commitment?