bell hooks spent much of her later career asking a question that most of us rarely examine closely: what is love? In her landmark book All About Love: New Visions, published in 2000, the scholar, author, and activist offered an answer that continues to challenge readers today. bell hooks was the pen name of Gloria Jean Watkins (1952-2021), whose work often addressed the intersections of race, gender, and class. Her writing on romantic love is not a typical self-help formula. It is a call to rethink romance from the ground up, moving from passive feeling to active practice.
The book’s premise is straightforward but demanding. hooks believed that many people yearn for love in their lives, yet they rarely receive the kind of love that is built on justice, honesty, commitment, and care. Instead of accepting the cultural stories we have been told about romance, she invited readers to imagine a different way of loving.
The Romantic Search
hooks wrote that “to return to love, to get the love we always wanted but never had, to have the love we want but are not prepared to give, we seek romantic relationships.” This observation is central to her reimagining of romance. We enter romantic relationships because we want love, but often we arrive unprepared to give it. For hooks, the romantic search fails when it is only a search for what we can receive.
This is not a criticism of wanting love. hooks was deeply affirming of the human need for connection. She insisted, however, that romantic love cannot be sustained when it is built on need alone. It must be built on mutual practice. The longing we bring into a relationship matters less than what we choose to do once we are in it.
Love Is as Love Does
One of the core ideas hooks emphasized is that “love is as love does.” In this view, love is a choice and an action rather than merely a feeling. This simple phrase reshapes how we understand romance. A feeling of affection is not love in itself. Love is the things we do, the choices we make, and the patterns we build over time.
In romantic relationships, this means that saying “I love you” is not the final proof of love. The daily actions we take, the honesty we practice, and the way we handle conflict all matter. hooks’ definition of love asks partners to be accountable for their behavior. When love is treated as an action, it becomes something we can practice intentionally, even when feelings are complicated.
The Key Characteristics of Love
For hooks, love must display key characteristics: justice, honesty, commitment, spirituality, and ethical values. Each of these has a direct meaning for romantic love.
- Justice: Romantic love requires fairness and respect. A relationship in which one partner holds power over the other cannot be understood as a loving relationship.
- Honesty: Love is built on truth. Without honesty, trust breaks down and love cannot survive.
- Commitment: Love is not a passing mood. It requires a sustained decision to stay connected, work through difficulty, and prioritize the relationship.
- Spirituality: Love connects us to something larger than the self. This spiritual dimension keeps romance from becoming self-centered.
- Ethical values: Love is aligned with what is good. It cannot coexist with cruelty, manipulation, or exploitation.
These characteristics form a framework that partners can use to evaluate their relationship. Rather than asking only “Do I feel in love?”, hooks suggests we ask a more important question: “Is this relationship practicing love?”
Love Beyond the Couple
hooks emphasized that love extends beyond individual relationships and requires us to nurture our bonds with others, whether in our families, our communities, and wider society.
This idea changes how we view romantic love. hooks rejected the notion that two people exist in a bubble. The way we love our partner is connected to the way we love our family, our neighbors, and even strangers. A vision of romantic love that ignores the wider world becomes narrow and self-serving. For hooks, the practice of love is a broad practice that grows as we give it.
Searching for an Equal
hooks also stated that, while thinking about romantic love, she was searching for her “equal.” This is a powerful phrase. In her vision, romantic love is not about one person completing another. It is about two whole people coming together as equals.
This idea stands against romantic narratives that celebrate rescue or dependency. A relationship built on inequality is not loving in hooks’ terms because it cannot be just. The search for an equal is a search for a partner who can stand beside you, not below you or above you.
Love, Sex, and Desire
In All About Love, hooks disputed the idea that the ideal love is infused with sex and desire. She provided a new path for understanding love that is not reduced to romance or eroticism.
This is one of the more countercultural parts of her argument. Modern romantic culture often treats intense desire as proof of love. hooks questioned this assumption. She argued that love is much larger than sexual desire, and that reducing love to desire weakens our ability to build lasting partnerships. Physical desire can be part of a romantic relationship, but it is not the foundation of love.
Against the Culture of Narcissism
All About Love has been described as “a warm affirmation that love is possible and an attack on the culture of narcissism and selfishness.” This dual quality defines hooks’ approach. She did not want to be merely critical. She wanted to offer real hope.
But she also saw clearly how difficult it is to love in a culture that encourages self-absorption. hooks observed that many people yearn for love, yet in politics, religion, family life, and romantic relationships, they see little evidence of love actually being practiced. Narcissism tells us to look inward. Love asks us to turn outward. This tension is especially visible in romance, where people often expect a partner to meet every emotional need without practicing love in return.
Rediscovering Love From Wholeness
One of the most quoted passages in hooks’ work is this guidance: “Do not expect to receive the love from someone else you do not give to yourself. The light of love is always in us.” How to rediscover love from a place of wholeness, in a spirit of fearlessness, is what hooks explored in her writing on love.
She did not want people to seek romantic love out of emptiness or lack. Instead, she invited people to recognize that they already carry the capacity to love. Romantic love becomes healthier when we stop expecting a partner to fill every gap and bring our own wholeness to the relationship instead. This is still a vision of romantic love. hooks believed in romance, but she believed in a romance that is mature, generous, just, and grounded in action.
bell hooks’ vision of romantic love is a challenge. It asks us to stop treating love as something that happens to us and start treating it as something we build. Her definition of love, built on justice, honesty, commitment, spirituality, and ethical values, offers a framework for relationships that are not only romantic but also loving. And her reminder that the light of love is always in us offers hope. We do not need to wait for an idealized partnership to begin practicing love. We can begin now, with ourselves and with the people around us.
Frequently Asked Questions
What did bell hooks say about romantic love?
bell hooks argued that people often seek romantic love to get the love they always wanted but never had. She believed that genuine romantic love requires action, not just feeling. In her vision, romantic love must include justice, honesty, commitment, spirituality, and ethical values in order to be real love.
What does “love is as love does” mean?
For bell hooks, “love is as love does” means that love is defined by behavior, not by feelings. A person who claims to love but acts in hurtful or dishonest ways is not truly loving. Love is a choice and an action that must be practiced daily in how we treat the people we care about.
What are the key characteristics of love according to bell hooks?
According to bell hooks, love must display key characteristics: justice, honesty, commitment, spirituality, and ethical values. These traits distinguish genuine love from infatuation, dependency, or selfishness. Without these qualities, a relationship may feel romantic, but it is not practicing love in hooks’ terms.
Why did bell hooks write All About Love?
bell hooks wrote All About Love to explore the question “What is love?” She wanted to challenge the culture of narcissism and selfishness and offer a new path for understanding love that is not reduced to sex and desire. The book is both a critique and a warm affirmation that love is possible.
Did bell hooks believe romantic love was possible?
Yes. All About Love is described as a warm affirmation that love is possible. hooks believed that romantic love can be rediscovered from a place of wholeness and practiced in a spirit of fearlessness. She saw romantic love as demanding, but she did not see it as impossible when partners choose to practice love daily.